Ok, I'm tired of being fluffy. There, I said it. I've admitted it.
I know I've had 8 kids and I'm entitled to a little bit of fluff. And, granted, I do hear shocked comments from people on a regular basis (You've had 8 kids?! Wow, you look great!!). I don't know if they are referring to my body or my lack of gray hair & wrinkles. I'll take either one.
Here's the hard part to admit, though. I've always had a really bad self-image. No confidence whatsoever. That doesn't sound so bad, but here's the kicker- for the past 20 years, I have struggled, alternately, with bulimia & anorexia. Yes, Ana & Mia have been some of my best friends, ones I turn to every time I start feeling like I can't cope with my emotions or just life in general.
Now, if you've known anyone with these disorders, you KNOW that 99% of the time, they won't admit there's a problem. Most of the time, they don't know it themselves. It's not something you can "just quit doing" or "get over". It may start out as a way to lose weight for some, and spiral out of control. But for others, like me, it's a way to deal with life when we are stressed, have no one to listen, no one that cares (so we think) and no way to work through our feelings. It's extremely complicated & sad. Few people get that or even want to.
That being said, I've been OK for the past 2 years. That doesn't mean I haven't struggled. That just means I haven't given in to every single urge to binge & purge or starve. I've tried to be healthy. Tried to love my body for what it is & can do (it does produce some wonderful & beautiful children!). Most of the time, I'm successful. And when I do have moments of loathing for my body, I make sure I'm not expressing it in front of my girls. That's what scares me most- that one day my 5 girls may be fighting this battle themselves, and I'll be watching helplessly from the sidelines.
One very intregal part of my healing has been my husband's support. Yes, he knows my struggles (after years of hiding it) and he's been very supportive. His near constant reassurance that I'm beautiful, sexy and just all around wonderful has been a lifeline for me. I'm slowly starting to build the confidence that I've always needed.
Now I'm working on how to deal with the stresses of everyday life. When I get overwhelmed & things feel like they are out of control, it's so very easy to turn to something I CAN control, like food.
I've never had a support group, never had friends to turn to. There have been times (every day that ends in Y) that I would give ANYTHING to have a best gal friend to call up & just talk to. But I'm not good at forming relationships, seeking them out. Another confidence I have yet to build. I have never felt like I'm anyone worth getting to know, to like. Why would anyone waste time on me?
Which brings me to the point of all this....I am making a commitment to MYSELF.
I am going to start eating healthy. Start exercising regularly. I will say 10 positive things to myself every morning, and every time I think something negative, I will counter that with 5 positives. I will not depend on other's opinions of me for my self worth or value. I will spend more time reading the Bible and living up to GOD'S expectations.
And I will love myself. Every part of me. Inside & out, for no other reason than I AM FEARFULLY & WONDERFULLY MADE.
