D.I.P.S.

Dumbness
Induced by
Pregnancy
Symptoms

Long time, no post.
Well, OK. It's only been a week. A very LONG week.
Oh, the things I've seen, smelled, done, prevented & cleaned up this week! And the kids made some messes, too! :P

It's getting to that special time in the pregnancy where the D.I.P.S. take hold. Now, I've ALWAYS had some of the D's. In fact, they never left after baby #4. I think they've taken up permanent refuge. Honestly. Just ask #2, who needed some milk for his cereal, looked for it for 20 minutes, and *finally* located it in the microwave. Guess who was the last one to use the milk? Uh-huh.
And what's worse....do you know how hard it must've been for me to FIT it in the microwave to begin with? We can barely get a bowl of ramen noodles in there, for crying out loud, much less a 1/2 gallon of milk. I'm sure it took some shoehorning, but I certainly don't remember it.

That's all perfectly normal around here. Happens quite often, in fact (we go through a lot of milk).
So, no....the D.I.P.S. that I'm referring to are worse. Example: Hubby had this morning off work, so he suggests I go grocery shopping alone (gasp!). Yay! Off I go. Several employees at  store #1 say to me "Oh, all by yourself today?" And I say..."No...the kids are here somewhere.", completely convinced that they were.  UmmmHmmmm.
A few mornings ago, I put my jeans on inside out. And never even noticed when I had to reach INSIDE my pants to put something in my pocket. My 2yr old had to point it out to me before I noticed. My older kids, bless their hearts, never said a word. Or maybe they never noticed. And if they DID, just thought it was normal.
Yep.

So that stuff isn't really bad. Embarrassing, sure. But I've still got 4.5 months to go. There's plenty of time.

Wood Fires...and whoops, there's a fire!

It's that time of the year that I love....time to build the first fire! Yay! :) Of course, there is much to be done before you can actually light that fire. Preventative measures & all that. So, I've got to put my hubby to work! Clean that chimney, dear! Cut, split, & stack that wood, lover! Now rub those sticks together & make that fire! Ok, so we have matches. Guess you're allowed to cheat on that one.

First up, hubby climbs on the roof with the 15ft brush & pole. Chimney cleaning time! Let's involve the kids, make it a family affair! So, kid #3 is standing directly under the stovepipe, on the inside, holding a plastic bag over the end so that nasty black soot & whatever else doesn't fall into the stove. Kid #2 is holding the ladder. Not sure why, since no one is ON the thing. Kids #6 & 4 are outside pointing up at daddy & laughing. Hope he's not easily distracted. Kids #1, 5 & 7 are completely oblivious, just sitting on their hineys watching TV.
Me? I'm watching out the windows, waiting for something to come flying off the roof. And sure enough, something does. Not quite big enough to be hubby. But it looks like a blue iguana. Hmmm. Hubby must have found Iggy.
Now there is much yelling & hollering going on. Seems kid #6 decided she wanted to climb the ladder & kid #2 is convinced he can't let go of it long enough to get her down. Though I'm pretty sure that's why it has 4 legs. So it can stand BY ITSELF.
Ok, crisis over. Kid #4 decided to help rescue #6. Although she REALLY wanted to go help daddy on the roof. But I know that if she gets up there, she'll decide it's a great time to test her theory of flight. Which involves baggy pants, open jacket & lots of flapping & squealing. Not a good idea. At least not from 15 ft. Unless she uses some plastic bag parachutes and we had a trampoline. Then maybe.

So...finally...all is clean & soot free. Hubby & kids are safely on the ground. Now on to stacking that firewood.
Wait....did something just fly past my window?
where is #4.....???

Ohhhh, my......

Scandy Bars! (or chocolate porn!)

There are only a handful of websites that I check each day. You know, the REALLY important stuff: facebook, ebay, amazon, gardenweb and....SCANDYBARS!
Facebook & gardenweb are for my social life, ebay & amazon are my "business" sites,  and scandybars is my secret sin.
Well. I guess it isn't so secret any more, is it?
There is some deep, emotional &  physical part of me that really gets off on naked candy bars. All up close & showing their intimate parts.
Much salivating & moaning ensue.
I think my hubby is jealous. He hasn't seen me this excited since I discovered Nutella comes in giant size tubs.
Maybe if he'd dress up as a giant Whatchamacallit or Reese's cup......

Baker's dozen....

So it was bound to happen. People noticing my baby bump, that is.
I'm always excited to start showing. I mean, REALLY showing. Not a slightly pudgy, gosh-she's-gaining-weight kind of belly. I hate that stage! But a true, round, feminine, fertile, goddess shape. The shape that men have painted for centuries as an example of true womanly beauty. (Have you ever noticed that not one man painted a Twiggy type lady in his paintings centuries ago? I think I was born 300 years too late!)

But, alas...with the belly bump & 7 kids tagging along behind me comes the inevitable questions, comments, belly-rubs & insults. So, I've got a list of come-backs ready. Hey, I've had 7 pregnancies to perfect them! Here are some of the ones I use most often:

1. Yes, we know what causes it and we LOVE doing it!
2. No, I do NOT have my hands full....but we're working on it!
3. No, I am NOT getting "fixed". Clearly, nothing is broken!
4. If you think my hands are full, you should see my heart!
5. Yes, they're all mi.....WAIT....where did THAT one come from??
6. No, we plan to keep going till we get an ugly one!
7. We're not trying to over populate the earth....just out number the idiots!
8. No, they're not all mine. I gather up the neighbors' kids & THEN go shopping!
9. I'm glad it's me and not you, too!!
10. Careful....I ate the last person that commented on my weight!
11. Pregnant? No, I'm shop-lifting a basketball. Shhhh!
12. I may be huge, but at least I don't say stupid things to pregnant women!
13. Wow...that was a rude thing to say. Have you been talking to my mother?

Shopping with the Zoo

It's Friday. Which means it's shopping day. Quite easily my favorite day of the week. And the most dreaded. Sound contradictory? Yes...but let me explain. I LOVE Fridays because it's the one day of the week that I get out of the house....AND get to participate in one of my favorite hobbies: Shopping! Sure, we're on a strict budget. And yeah, I'm only getting groceries. But still! I'm out of my 4 walls! Freedom in a club wagon! And I get to spend money! YAY!

BUT. Like I said, it's a dreaded day, too. I have to get 7 kids fed, cleaned up, dressed & in the van. Without losing one of them OR my mind. Let me put it this way.....have you ever tried to herd, rope & dress a feral cat? Times that by 7, and you get a pretty good idea of what some mornings are like. Not to mention finding those darn shoes. They like to walk off, you know. How we can lose 14 shoes EVERY SINGLE DAY, I have no idea. It's not like this house is a McMansion or naything. Sheesh.
Ok....Now...granted. The boys are old enough to get dressed by themselves & make themselves fairly presentable (no, young man..you may NOT wear the duct tape covered shoes and PLEASE wash your face!). And my oldest 2 girls do an OK job too. Well, if you don't mind lime green pants, polka dot skirts, floral & striped shirt & bed head hair. With sandals & socks, of course. All at once.
BUT the babies can't really dress themselves yet. So it's assembly line time...get one diaper changed, move to the next. Pants, shirts, shoes. Whoops, baby #1 is nakie, gotta start over. By the time I've dressed & re-dressed those 2, it's been an hour. And the oldest ones have forgotten that we're going out, so they've taken their shoes off & lost them. Again.
*sigh*

And we're finally off. Think I might treat myself to a jar of Nutella. One of the perks of being in charge of the grocery budget. (Just don't tell my hubby that, he's trying to eat healthier and wants me along for the ride....but you don't stand between a pregnant lady & her chocolate. THAT wouldn't be healthy for either one of us.)

Let's try that again....

So after watching an episode of Mythbusters where they tried out that old camp trick of sticking a sleeping someone's hand in a bowl of warm water (to see if they pee the bed), I thought....."What a fun idea! I'm gonna try that tonight with my kids!"
Ok. Stop your groaning. I know you've stopped to think through the consequences...but I haven't learned to do that just yet. May be a trick that comes in handy, though.
Anyway. First up, I thought I'd try it on my 2 yr old. She's a pretty deep sleeper, so it should work GREAT. But after sitting there with her hand in the water for a solid 5 minutes, my patience is wearing thin. No wet, soppy results yet. OH. wait. She's still in diapers. DUH.
Ok, on to victim #2. Think I'll get that 15 yr old. He's been pretty moody today, so this will be fun. It's off to a terrific start, I only spilled half the water going up the stairs. Now to navigate my way over to his bed....across the piles of clothes, legos, toys & other teenage things.....trying not to trip or wake up the other 2 boys. Oops, spilled more water. Oh well, there's still enough to dip his fingers in.  So now I've made it. Let's get those fingers in here. Wait, he's sleeping on his hands. Hmm. Well, toes should work too, right? OK. Let's grab some toes! Got his piggy toe in there. Not really enough room for the others. Sitting here for 10 minutes. My legs are numb and I'm getting hungry. *sigh*
I give up. I think I'll just pour the water over his butt and see if he notices.
Reaction: SNNNNNZZZZZZZZ
So now I haven't woken anyone up, haven't made them pee, and have wasted a good 30 minutes stalking around my house making a wet trail to mop up.


Well. Fine. It didn't work for Mythbusters, either. In retrospect...maybe it's a good thing it didn't work. I am the one that has to change & wash the sheets. (told ya I need that think-of-the-consequences thing to kick in)
Guess I'll have to try something else.
Maybe that shaving cream in the hand thing.
Mwwaahahaaaaa. Yes, I know the perfect kid to test that one on.......

The Nightlife

This is, I think, my favorite time of the day. Bedtime. The time when the only sounds in the house are little snorts, snores & thuds (sometimes the kids fall out of bed....or get pushed out by a sibling...whatever).
Although, when the hubby isn't home, it gets a bit spooky.  Is the dog barking because the cat sneezed? Or is there really a burglar outside ready to crawl through my window & steal my valued possessions? (No worries, I've hidden the chocolate)
Is that the hamster running on his wheel? Or Freddy Kruger sharpening his glove on the chalkboard? (maybe I should have him sharpen my butcher's knife while he's at it, it's really dull)
Is that the cat running down the stairs? Or a racoon & his turtle friend emptying my cupboards & loading their wagon with food? (hope they like beans & rice)
See? Things can get pretty spooky when you've got an active imagination & no man to wield your baseball bat.

If you need me, I'll be hiding under my covers with a flashlight & some chocolate. After all....if I can't see THEM, they can't see ME.
.......right??