Self confessions

Ok, I'm tired of being fluffy. There, I said it. I've admitted it.
I know I've had 8 kids and I'm entitled to a little bit of fluff. And, granted, I do hear shocked comments from people on a regular basis (You've had 8 kids?! Wow, you look great!!). I don't know if they are referring to my body or my lack of gray hair & wrinkles. I'll take either one.

Here's the hard part to admit, though. I've always had a really bad self-image. No confidence whatsoever. That doesn't sound so bad, but here's the kicker- for the past 20 years, I have struggled, alternately, with bulimia & anorexia. Yes, Ana & Mia have been some of my best friends, ones I turn to every time I start feeling like I can't cope with my emotions or just life in general.
Now, if you've known anyone with these disorders, you KNOW that 99% of the time, they won't admit there's a problem. Most of the time, they don't know it themselves. It's not something you can "just quit doing" or "get over". It may start out as a way to lose weight for some, and spiral out of control. But for others, like me, it's a way to deal with life when we are stressed,  have no one to listen, no one that cares (so we think) and no way to work through our feelings. It's extremely complicated & sad. Few people get that or even want to.
That being said, I've been OK for the past 2 years. That doesn't mean I haven't struggled. That just means I haven't given in to every single urge to binge & purge or starve. I've tried to be healthy. Tried to love my body for what it is & can do (it does produce some wonderful & beautiful children!). Most of the time, I'm successful. And when I do have moments of loathing for my body, I make sure I'm not expressing it in front of my girls. That's what scares me most- that one day my 5 girls may be fighting this battle themselves, and I'll be watching helplessly from the sidelines.

One very intregal part of my healing has been my husband's support. Yes, he knows my struggles (after years of hiding it) and he's been very supportive. His near constant reassurance that I'm beautiful, sexy and just all around wonderful has been a lifeline for me. I'm slowly starting to build the confidence that I've always needed.

Now I'm working on how to deal with the stresses of everyday life. When I get overwhelmed & things feel like they are out of control, it's so very easy to turn to something I CAN control, like food.
I've never had a support group, never had friends to turn to. There have been times (every day that ends in Y) that I would give ANYTHING to have a best gal friend to call up & just talk to. But I'm not good at forming relationships, seeking them out. Another confidence I have yet to build. I have never felt like I'm anyone worth getting to know, to like. Why would anyone waste time on me?

Which brings me to the point of all this....I am making a commitment to MYSELF.
I am going to start eating healthy. Start exercising regularly. I will say 10 positive things to myself every morning, and every time I think something negative, I will counter that with 5 positives. I will not depend on other's opinions of me for my self worth or value. I will spend more time reading the Bible and living up to GOD'S expectations.
And I will love myself. Every part of me. Inside & out, for no other reason than I AM FEARFULLY & WONDERFULLY MADE.

Please hold the revolving door....

I have come to the conclusion that we really should have put a revolving door in our bathroom.  I guess it's not too late, really. After a year, we're STILL in the process of remodeling. And that's OK.  I'm not in a hurry. After all, who needs a sink, really? That's why God created bathtubs.
But a revolving door.....AH.....that'd be nice.
I've done the math. 7 kids, 6 of which are potty  trained. 2 adults, 1 of which is 41 weeks pregnant with what feels like a 15 lb baby doing a headstand on her bladder.
In total- 8 people using the bathroom. If each person uses the bathroom approximately 8 times during a 14 hour day, that's 64 bathroom trips. Add about 50 more for the pregnant lady, who goes 24/7. Now we're up to 114 potty breaks.
Since there are 840 minutes in 14 hours, that's about 7.3 minutes in between potty breaks. Give a little more between times if you're including the other 10 hours for the pregnant lady.
And those numbers are JUST for the tinkles! We haven't even figured in the #2's!! Yikes!

You can imagine how much wear & tear this puts on the door hinges & lock. Not to mention the damage done to the frame when someone is desperately needing the potty, but it's already in use.
*bang bang* hurry up in there!!!!

I'm really gonna have to stop doing that.....

But a revolving door. That'd  be a time saver & definite conversation piece. And to save even more time, the door could be mirrored! No more waiting for the bathroom to be free so you can  fix your hair! (with 5 girls, that'd be a life saver!!) And if the door had 4 panels, that means 4 girls could each fix their hair at the same time....Whooot!!!

Then again, maybe it'd just be simpler to get the 2nd bathroom finished. Wasn't it Einstein that said "Two toilets are better than 1?"

Hmmmm...actually, that was probably my grandma. She had 11 kids.......

Oh, no you didn't!!

Ok, my hubby is 98% perfect, 98% of the time. Honest. But this morning, he showed his other 2%...and completely ignored his inner voice screaming "DON'T SAY THAT TO HER!!" But then again, maybe that voice was asleep....
He reached over to rub my belly...to make sure that it was STILL THERE. (duh!?) I, naturally, had a pregnancy-hormone induced freak out: "YES, It's still there...YES, I"m still pregnant. I'm going to be pregnant for freaking EVER, I'll NEVER have this baby, I"m going to be pregnant for 11 months, just like my AUNT, they'll have to cut this baby out of me."
Him (here it is): "Oh, you know that's not true...it'll happen eventually..."
Me (blubbering): "Yeah, and in the *bleep* meantime, I'm waddling like an obese duck, I can't do crud around the house, Can't keep up with the kids, I can't sleep at night, just thinking about food gives me heartburn, my hips are killing me and I can't sneeze without feeling like the baby is gonna go flying."
Then he says....."Ok, I just want to make this isn't all about me."
Me: "WHAT?!"
Him: "You know....are you just worried because I can't start my vacation yet & you feel bad about that?"
Yeah, his 2% obviously lacked sleep last night & had to make itself known this morning. If he'd been awake, he'd been his normal 98% perfect self and just held me when I had my meltdown, whipping out a chocolate bar afterwards.
But that's OK...I still love him. :o) He told me I was still beautiful & sexy after my freakout. Any man that can fib like that & make it sound so believable has to be perfect, right? :P

Turning inside out

Ok, my body is turning itself inside out. This is what it literally feels like. I'm hoping that it's early labor. But it could just be a nasty stomach bug. We seem to bring those home alot. Funny that it hasn't bothered anyone else but me. Oh well, that seems to be my luck too. Of course, it could be the massive storm system moving in. The weatherman says it's supposed to be a bit windy, followed by some rain. There's a chance of a random tornado thrown in there, too....but I don't know about that. I haven't seen any cows fly by yet.
Although, the dog has been running in circles & barking at the sky. Maybe the cows are too high up for me to see.

Then again, maybe all my digestive issues are simply a case of nerves. Or food poisoning. It's hard to tell the difference sometimes.
Whatever it is, the worse that could happen is that it results in a baby or a 5 lbs weight loss. Until then...I'm just miserable. On the bright side, I've come to love the cool tile floor in the bathroom. It's quite relaxing.....